Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
