my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
40s are totally the cure
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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