She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
