Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
