Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's not a walk of shame if you run
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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