He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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