i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
