my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
