I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
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This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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