Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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