I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
