She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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