I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.