What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.