Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You are the jesus of drinking
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
