Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
