i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
