The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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