My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
