i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
