I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
