I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
