my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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