when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
