I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
