The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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