Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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