I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize