But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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