I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
