Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
