forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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