my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
