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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
