something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
