I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
