he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
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There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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