Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
