i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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