I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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