saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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