first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
