I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
