Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
