I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
