U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
