I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
