I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
