I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
