It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
