I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
50% drunk capacity currently
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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