he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
