seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
