You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
