I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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