Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
