whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
