i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
