he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
