I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
