I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
