cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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