hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
