I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
